My End Is My Beginning

T.S. Eliot, one of my favorite authors, once wrote: "We shall not cease from exploration/And the end of all our exploring/Will be to arrive where we started/And know the place for the first time." I wonder if he knew just right he was.

I am bad at endings. I don't know if it's my own little defense mechanism, but at the end of every adventure, I withdraw. I turn my focus toward the future, I make more plans...but maybe I am missing something. Maybe I am forgetting to revel in the gifts that I have been given and the ways in which I have been changed...in the "knowing".

When I first arrived in San Francisco, I had no idea how much it would affect me. I knew I would be studying social issues, but I didn't predict the impact that study would have, not to mention the people I would meet and grow to love. It is difficult to learn about things you would rather not know, things that are impossible to ignore once they have been recognized. Education can be a burden. It is always particularly diffucult for me to learn about injustice and pain in the world, because I feel like I need to fix it all, and when I realize I can't, I withdraw completely. It has taken me awhile to realize the simple fact that I am not meant to heal the world...that has already been taken care of.

Though it is often difficult to accept, this world will never be perfect. Now, this is not to say that we are simply to throw up our hands and live as hermits (though, I do sometimes find the thought appealing). I think Jesus made it pretty clear by the way he lived his life that we are to impact all we encounter. We are to become servants; it's that whole "take up your cross" thing. But one of the most opperative words in that command (the one that Christian circles often forget) is "your"--"your cross"--not one that is the same as everyone else's, but yours.

This semester has shown me what my cross looks like.

Now, it's another thing altogether to actually pick up that cross once you realize what it is (I am certain I will struggle with this for the rest of my life), but at least I know it's there. I cannot ignore it, because I know that, even though it might not be easy, I CAN carry it.

"God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference..."


I love you all.